Chronically Kath

I Was Wrong

November 12th, 2022

“I was wrong” is something not said much these days. Brushing stuff under the rug seems to be the way people react to doing something wrong instead of taking accountability. I’ve been really working on taking accountability for my actions and reactions. When I was a child and even a teen I would try to justify everything, every mistake I made, every reaction, and every action, instead of saying “I’m sorry I was wrong”.

Everyone is wrong at some point. I’m wrong a lot of the time, but now instead of making excuses I try and admit my mistakes. I think owning our mistakes is productive. It makes us better people. Do I still have to work on it? Definitely. I’m not perfect, not even close. However, taking this step has helped all the relationships in my life.

Admitting I’m not perfect and I never will be is an amazing feeling because I’m still working on myself. I will never be perfect but I want to do my best. I want to acknowledge the wrongs I’ve done in my past and present wrongs. I want to work on my future wrongs lessening the frequencies. Knowing that I’ll be wrong a lot in life I want to own it.

I’m wrong sometimes but at least I own it and try to make it right.
Runaway Girl

November 2nd, 2022

Runaway girl

Run when it’s hard

Isn’t that what we always do?

When we want to run

& we want to hide

Run from the pain

But what do we do when the pain is worth it?

I know the pain is worth it so I stay

Maybe you turned this runaway girl into a forever girl
The Rabbit Hole

October 24th, 2022

Down the rabbit hole

Again

The deep, dark parts of myself

Needs sunshine

Where’s my sunshine?

Down here

It’s dark

& scary

I want to climb back up

But all I can do is crawl

Scratching and clawing

The dirt, roots, & bones of the past

I can’t get a grip

The dirt is sliding through my fingers

& pooling at the bottom

I clutch a root

I wonder what kind of tree it’s from

Pine, maybe?

Too late I realize

It’s from a dead tree

No longer growing

Weak

I slip and fall deeper down

Where there’s even less light

What’s that?

A bone from the past

Will it help or hinder me?

Do I dare touch it?
Like a Trigger

October 17th, 2022

Triggers

They come at the most unexpected times

Always

Do I fight it, do I run?

Do I freeze, do I numb?

The scars left behind are deep

But still at the surface when

Triggered

Help me, save me, make me forget

All the

Triggers
The Best Things in Life

October 6th, 2022

We’ve all heard “the best things in life aren’t things but people”, and it’s crazy how true this is. The best things in my life are the people (and animals) I’m surrounded by and the feelings and emotions they give me.

My mom: my rock, my safe place, my person. My mom is the person who gave life to me but she’s also the person that saved my life and taught me how to live it.

My dad: the man who always knew how I was feeling, the empath. The man who would stay up and tell me Annabelle stories and sing Christmas carols with me any time of the year.

My boyfriend: the man who taught me that love is scary but it’s worth it. The man who makes me feel safe, loved, respected, and so much more.

My best friends: the people who have seen me through thick and thin. Who comforted me in my bad times and laughed with me during my good times.

My puppies: the ones who bring me such joy and peace. Who lick my tears away and make me laugh at how silly they are.

The people (and animals) are the best “things” in my life and I couldn’t ask for any better
The End of The Rope

September 1st, 2022

I feel like I’m at the end of the rope and it’s fraying

Do I jump and hope there’s a safe landing

Or trust the hand holding out to me

Do I choose to trust myself or trust another
Triggering Times

April 5th, 2022

We all have triggers. Something that seems normal to most but that can just completely knock us back. I had one of those moments just this week (and to be quite honest another the week before). Even the mere mention of certain people from my past can set me over the edge and bring me back to the “horrors” I’ve lived through.

Let me tell you a story. I’m at work folding jeans and making sure they’re sized correctly (I know sounds like an exciting time!) and all of a sudden I see someone. My chest starts to pound when I realize he looks just like someone that I used to know. I wonder “is it him?”, I still am not sure if it was him, I doubt it was him, but the guy damn sure looked like him. So what do I do? My instincts are to run, to get out of there as fast as possible… but I’m at work so I can’t. So instead I do my job, help him find a change room, and put back his clothes all the while silently having a sort of anxiety attack.

I thought I was over it but the next day I completely broke down. I didn’t want to fight anymore. It’s been a long fight and I felt like there was no point in fighting for my happiness anymore. I wanted to be neutral, with no highs and no lows. All I wanted to do was sleep. Sleep and forget about everything, but of course, we can’t sleep away our pain. (Believe me, I’ve tried before).

Luckily when I broke down I was with one of the only people who knows how to be with me when I have a breakdown. It took around two hours but finally I decided “you know what? I am going to get through this, I’m going to keep fighting”. I’ve done it before and I will do it again. I will not sabotage my life due to my past. My life is amazing and I will continue to work to make it even more amazing.

Triggers can be debilitating bringing us back to those horrible moments but we can overcome them and persevere.
The Woman I am now

January 25th, 2022

I didn’t think I’d be here

Years later

Happy and living my life

I didn’t think that things could get better

But I made them better

With hard work and support

Those who love me know my pain

They also see how far I’ve come from the girl they knew before

To the woman I am now
New School, Same Old Problems

September 27th, 2021

I’ve gone to college so many different times that I couldn’t even tell you how many times I’ve tried. Somehow things just kept getting in the way of me pursuing my dream. One time I got a bad case of mononucleosis where my liver enzymes were elevated and my spleen was actually enlarged. Needless to say I was unable to physically be in class and was unable to continue my studies. This was extremely upsetting and frustrating but at the time I had no energy to be frustrated and upset. Another instance I was in college I actually developed Meniere’s Disease. This led to me leaving school again! I was so embarrassed that I had left school again. Part of me thought that I should just give up. However, I kept trying and “failing”. That is how I saw it, as failure. My pain and fear getting in the way of me pursuing my dreams.

Now let’s move forward a few years and we come to 2021. In May I started my first semester of university. It was online due to the pandemic which suited me because I didn’t have to leave my house and if I was in more pain at least I was at home! Being at home made it easier for me to get through my courses because I had everything with me and could take breaks from sitting. I know it sounds crazy but sitting aggravates my back the most!

Moving on to September and to in person classes. I was worried my back wouldn’t be able to hold up… and guess what… big surprise!! It isn’t able to hold up! Some days are better than others but when it comes to Thursday classes it is absolutely not holding up. I use Salonpas and Robax and it helps but not nearly enough.

Does anyone have anything they do to help their pain when they have to sit for long periods of time?
New Doctor, Same Old Story

March 12th, 2021

I have been to see a variety of doctors in the past 11 or so years. From infectious disease specialists to gastroenterologists to rheumatologists and more. At the beginning I would be almost excited to see these new doctors because I thought that they could figure out what was wrong with me and help me. For the most part I was wrong. Some have given me a diagnosis and then sent me on my way, like with fibromyalgia and IBS, while others simply have no idea or just don’t seem to think anything is wrong with me.

Now here’s the thing, most of my tests come back normal, so they think “okay nothing is showing up therefore nothing is wrong with you”. If they can’t see it how can they trust me, a virtual stranger, in saying something is most definitely wrong. They have probably had patients before that have been faking for whatever reason, however I am not one of those patients.

Whenever I see a doctor and they insist everything is normal or that maybe it is my depression I start to think that maybe I am not in pain, maybe it is all in my head and I’m just “making it up”. These are some of the hardest times for me because I actually feel like my physical pain isn’t real. But how can that be? I feel it every day.

So now every time I have to see a new doctor I do not get excited or hopeful instead I dread it. For I know I will once again doubt myself.