I didn’t think I’d be here
Years later
Happy and living my life
I didn’t think that things could get better
But I made them better
With hard work and support
Those who love me know my pain
They also see how far I’ve come from the girl they knew before
To the woman I am now
Forget me not
For I love you
You might not remember
But you love me too
I will not forget the way you talk
I will not forget the way you hum
I will remember the happy days
Where we’d sing together
And cook away
You taught me to make Shepard’s Pie
I still cook it to this day
When I see you now
My world goes dark
For I know that you may not remember
Who I am to you
I am your grandaughter
Your only one too
If you forget
It’ll be okay
For I will remember for the both of us
Okay?
Love
What does it mean?
It’s not just a word
Not just a feeling
But an action
To love and to hold
From this day forward
I promise
To feel love for you
To love you
Forever
From this prison of pain
From my own thoughts
Catch and release
Don’t kill me slowly
Isn’t that what you’re doing?
Parts of me are dying every day
Soon I’ll be a husk of what I was
This isn’t your fault
You didn’t choose this either
Please
Release me
Break me again
Like you always do
I always come back
And you know it
Break my already fragile heart
I dare you
I’m currently taking a sociology course “Deviance and Social Control”. I’m finding it so incredibly interesting. Our main project is to do a critical unessay in the form of picture, poem, etc. I chose to write a poem on deviance and mental health because technically mental illness is outside of social norms which means it is considered “deviant”. Not sure if I’m going to keep it this way, add more, or edit it yet
Deviance, deviance
What is deviance?
They say what I’m feeling is abnormal or not the norm
Who are they to say what is “normal”?
They’re trying to control me, medicate me, numb me
Why?
So, I can fit into a box
The box is labeled
“Social norms”
It’s like a witch hunt
Either conform or be burnt at the metaphorical stake
Burn me, light me up
If you want to
I’m not conforming to your norms
Deviance, deviance
What is deviance?
According to your rules
Me, I am deviance
I personify deviance
“Love all, trust a few,
Do wrong to none” ~ William Shakespeare
I was watching Criminal Minds today and this was the quote they ended with in the episode. It really resonated with me. It’s how I attempt to live my life, but it’s definitely hard to do and I don’t always succeed.
Love all. It’s hard to love people who have hurt you or the people you love. I know I care about everyone but loving everyone? I don’t think I’m at that stage yet.
Trust a few. I’ve learned this through trial and error. When you trust the wrong people you can get hurt. Not everyone is trustworthy.
Do wrong to none. The one rule I try to abide by the most. I don’t want to be the cause of someone else’s pain. Have I ever wronged someone? Of course I have! I definitely try not to but I’m not perfect and I try to learn by my wrongdoings.
What are some of your favourite quotes that you try to live by?
A few years ago my brother told me he thought I was an empath. I had no idea what he was talking about so he explained it to me. An empath is someone who feels empathy to an almost extreme degree. For instance, if someone else is hurting many can empathize with the person but empaths can feel their pain almost as if it’s their own. I ruminated on it and thought “hmm… maybe that’s me?”. So one day in 2022 I talked to my psychologist in a therapy session and asked, “Do you think I’m an empath”, without hesitation she said yes.
Now here’s the thing. Being an empath is one of the best parts of my life… but also one of the worst. I feel things so strongly, some may even say too strongly. I always want to help others even if they’ve hurt me in the past, I don’t know how to set proper boundaries, and I put everyone above myself.
That doesn’t sound like fun does it? It’s definitely not. However (yes there’s a but), it also makes me a person who is able to understand others’ pain. It helps me to help them help themselves which in turn will hopefully help me become a good therapist in the future.
Yes feeling other peoples’ pain is difficult and tiring, my emotional and social battery is almost always on low. But what can I do? It’s a need for me to help others if I can. It feels like a calling. Maybe I was made this way and maybe my past trauma and history made me this way, who really knows?
Now let me tell you a story,
Once upon a time, there was a little girl who felt things very strongly and was told not to feel things so strongly. She wanted to help everyone who needed help.
This little girl kept getting told stop feeling things so strongly, it’s not healthy.
So eventually, after a lot of bad things happened to that little girl she finally agreed that it wasn’t worth it.
She shut herself off and became numb.
She still felt things but not to the extreme.
Now she’s a young woman who realizes what she’s done also isn’t healthy.
She stops emotionally numbing herself.
She realized that even when she was numbing herself that she couldn’t fully emotionally numb herself.
Then she found her power of helping others.
She may still feel things “too strongly” but now she believes that it can help others.
She chooses others over herself, their happiness, their lives.
She finally realized her greatest strength is also her greatest weakness.
It’s how she uses that strength and resilience that will help define her.
THE END
I’m always in last place
To myself
To the people I love
I’ll never be good enough
Not even for 3rd place
Why keep trying
When I’ll always be
Last place
Chronically Kath 