I feel like I’m at the end of the rope and it’s fraying
Do I jump and hope there’s a safe landing
Or trust the hand holding out to me
Do I choose to trust myself or trust another
Tag: Depression
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We all have triggers. Something that seems normal to most but that can just completely knock us back. I had one of those moments just this week (and to be quite honest another the week before). Even the mere mention of certain people from my past can set me over the edge and bring me back to the “horrors” I’ve lived through.
Let me tell you a story. I’m at work folding jeans and making sure they’re sized correctly (I know sounds like an exciting time!) and all of a sudden I see someone. My chest starts to pound when I realize he looks just like someone that I used to know. I wonder “is it him?”, I still am not sure if it was him, I doubt it was him, but the guy damn sure looked like him. So what do I do? My instincts are to run, to get out of there as fast as possible… but I’m at work so I can’t. So instead I do my job, help him find a change room, and put back his clothes all the while silently having a sort of anxiety attack.
I thought I was over it but the next day I completely broke down. I didn’t want to fight anymore. It’s been a long fight and I felt like there was no point in fighting for my happiness anymore. I wanted to be neutral, with no highs and no lows. All I wanted to do was sleep. Sleep and forget about everything, but of course, we can’t sleep away our pain. (Believe me, I’ve tried before).
Luckily when I broke down I was with one of the only people who knows how to be with me when I have a breakdown. It took around two hours but finally I decided “you know what? I am going to get through this, I’m going to keep fighting”. I’ve done it before and I will do it again. I will not sabotage my life due to my past. My life is amazing and I will continue to work to make it even more amazing.
Triggers can be debilitating bringing us back to those horrible moments but we can overcome them and persevere.
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I didn’t think I’d be here
Years later
Happy and living my life
I didn’t think that things could get better
But I made them better
With hard work and support
Those who love me know my pain
They also see how far I’ve come from the girl they knew before
To the woman I am now
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The tunnel is dark
Sometimes I can see the light
and other times it’s pitch black
but I know the tunnel will end
and there will be sunshine once again
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All bottled up
Ready to explode
When the time comes
To release the latch
Will I be empty then?
Will nothing matter anymore?
Or will I finally be free?
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Depression, a ten letter word that feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. Where you feel alone even in a world full of billions of people. You have to have depression to fully understand how it feels. Depression isn’t always about just sadness sometimes there are other feelings. Sometimes you just feel empty or sometimes too full of emotions. There are a million different ways depression can make you feel. I’m so thankful for antidepressants and also thankful for the antidepressant which comes in the form of dogs.
I honestly don’t know where I would be without my dogs. Almost my entire life (from 2 on) I have had at least one dog. I remember when I was young how my dog Penny would come to me when I was crying and lick my tears away (maybe because of the saltiness of tears but maybe also because she knew I needed it). At this point I have three dogs Chelsea, Winnie, and Mitzi. We actually got Winnie because I thought it would be helpful for my mental health (and I was right!). Taking care of another being and being responsible for them is a wonderful and scary feeling. Knowing that in order to take care of them I had to take care of myself was a motivator.
During some of my darkest moments my dogs helped me get out of them. Whether it was by a lick or a look I knew they loved me even if I didn’t love myself at the time.
Does anyone have any pets that have helped them with their mental health?
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It’s three days until Christmas! Every year I tend to get excited for Christmas November 1 however, this year was different. This year I wasn’t experiencing the “Christmas cheer” I usually do until December! December! A whole month later. Why is this? Why was I so much more depressed when it came to the holidays this year?
I think I should first mention that the hardest time of year for me has been December and January since I was about 14 (I’m almost 23 now). This is due to some unpleasant events happening during this time. The only good thing about having the extra depression around this time of year is that my Christmas cheer tends to literally cheer me up to a point. This year I have tended to not have this Christmas cheer to the same extent.
I’ve tried to get more in the Christmas spirit and I think it’s working.
Here are some of my tips to get into the Christmas spirit:
- Put on some cozy PJs (if they are Christmas PJs even better!)
- Get out your favourite Christmas movies! Mine is all of the Santa Clause’s with Tim Allen
- Read a good Christmas book! I really like Debbie Macomber’s Christmas stories!
- Have some hot chocolate. Hot chocolate is always a must!
- Light your favourite Christmas candle. Mine is the Hot Cocoa & Cream candle from Bath and Body Works (https://www.bathandbodyworks.com/p/hot-cocoa-andamp-cream-3-wick-candle-024600765.html#q=hot%2Bcocoa%2Band%2Bcream&lang=en_US&start=1)
- Do you like to bake? Maybe bake some Christmas cookies or even just regular cookies or anything really
- Buying and/or making presents always puts me in a good mood
- Wrapping presents with Christmas music or a Christmas movie on
- Christmas music! (My favourite Christmas artist is Bing Crosby, I also love listening to Raffi’s Christmas music)
- Decorate!
Hopefully something on this list will help you (it helps me)! What’s your favourite Christmas tradition? Let me know in the comments!
Chronically Kath 