Forget me not
For I love you
You might not remember
But you love me too
I will not forget the way you talk
I will not forget the way you hum
I will remember the happy days
Where we’d sing together
And cook away
You taught me to make Shepard’s Pie
I still cook it to this day
When I see you now
My world goes dark
For I know that you may not remember
Who I am to you
I am your grandaughter
Your only one too
If you forget
It’ll be okay
For I will remember for the both of us
Okay?
Break me again
Like you always do
I always come back
And you know it
Break my already fragile heart
I dare you
Triggers
They come at the most unexpected times
Always
Do I fight it, do I run?
Do I freeze, do I numb?
The scars left behind are deep
But still at the surface when
Triggered
Help me, save me, make me forget
All the
Triggers
We all have triggers. Something that seems normal to most but that can just completely knock us back. I had one of those moments just this week (and to be quite honest another the week before). Even the mere mention of certain people from my past can set me over the edge and bring me back to the “horrors” I’ve lived through.
Let me tell you a story. I’m at work folding jeans and making sure they’re sized correctly (I know sounds like an exciting time!) and all of a sudden I see someone. My chest starts to pound when I realize he looks just like someone that I used to know. I wonder “is it him?”, I still am not sure if it was him, I doubt it was him, but the guy damn sure looked like him. So what do I do? My instincts are to run, to get out of there as fast as possible… but I’m at work so I can’t. So instead I do my job, help him find a change room, and put back his clothes all the while silently having a sort of anxiety attack.
I thought I was over it but the next day I completely broke down. I didn’t want to fight anymore. It’s been a long fight and I felt like there was no point in fighting for my happiness anymore. I wanted to be neutral, with no highs and no lows. All I wanted to do was sleep. Sleep and forget about everything, but of course, we can’t sleep away our pain. (Believe me, I’ve tried before).
Luckily when I broke down I was with one of the only people who knows how to be with me when I have a breakdown. It took around two hours but finally I decided “you know what? I am going to get through this, I’m going to keep fighting”. I’ve done it before and I will do it again. I will not sabotage my life due to my past. My life is amazing and I will continue to work to make it even more amazing.
Triggers can be debilitating bringing us back to those horrible moments but we can overcome them and persevere.
I didn’t think I’d be here
Years later
Happy and living my life
I didn’t think that things could get better
But I made them better
With hard work and support
Those who love me know my pain
They also see how far I’ve come from the girl they knew before
To the woman I am now
I’ve gone to college so many different times that I couldn’t even tell you how many times I’ve tried. Somehow things just kept getting in the way of me pursuing my dream. One time I got a bad case of mononucleosis where my liver enzymes were elevated and my spleen was actually enlarged. Needless to say I was unable to physically be in class and was unable to continue my studies. This was extremely upsetting and frustrating but at the time I had no energy to be frustrated and upset. Another instance I was in college I actually developed Meniere’s Disease. This led to me leaving school again! I was so embarrassed that I had left school again. Part of me thought that I should just give up. However, I kept trying and “failing”. That is how I saw it, as failure. My pain and fear getting in the way of me pursuing my dreams.
Now let’s move forward a few years and we come to 2021. In May I started my first semester of university. It was online due to the pandemic which suited me because I didn’t have to leave my house and if I was in more pain at least I was at home! Being at home made it easier for me to get through my courses because I had everything with me and could take breaks from sitting. I know it sounds crazy but sitting aggravates my back the most!
Moving on to September and to in person classes. I was worried my back wouldn’t be able to hold up… and guess what… big surprise!! It isn’t able to hold up! Some days are better than others but when it comes to Thursday classes it is absolutely not holding up. I use Salonpas and Robax and it helps but not nearly enough.
Does anyone have anything they do to help their pain when they have to sit for long periods of time?
I have been to see a variety of doctors in the past 11 or so years. From infectious disease specialists to gastroenterologists to rheumatologists and more. At the beginning I would be almost excited to see these new doctors because I thought that they could figure out what was wrong with me and help me. For the most part I was wrong. Some have given me a diagnosis and then sent me on my way, like with fibromyalgia and IBS, while others simply have no idea or just don’t seem to think anything is wrong with me.
Now here’s the thing, most of my tests come back normal, so they think “okay nothing is showing up therefore nothing is wrong with you”. If they can’t see it how can they trust me, a virtual stranger, in saying something is most definitely wrong. They have probably had patients before that have been faking for whatever reason, however I am not one of those patients.
Whenever I see a doctor and they insist everything is normal or that maybe it is my depression I start to think that maybe I am not in pain, maybe it is all in my head and I’m just “making it up”. These are some of the hardest times for me because I actually feel like my physical pain isn’t real. But how can that be? I feel it every day.
So now every time I have to see a new doctor I do not get excited or hopeful instead I dread it. For I know I will once again doubt myself.
All bottled up
Ready to explode
When the time comes
To release the latch
Will I be empty then?
Will nothing matter anymore?
Or will I finally be free?
One of the most painful things that I can do is sit in a car for over an hour, my fibromyalgia cannot stand it. I try to avoid any car rides that take longer than an hour due to the pain I will be in during and afterwards. Why is it so painful to sit in a car for a semi long period of time? For me I think it’s because I need to move and change my positions often to even out the pain however, in a car you can’t really accomplish that.
Today I’m supposed to visit my Grannie who I haven’t seen in a year due to the 2 and a half hour car ride. I’m already severely stressed and in more pain due to the realizations that I will most likely be in a lot of pain in a short while. If it wasn’t the for the fact that I miss my grannie a lot there would be no way I would even consider going anywhere at this time.
So how can I make the car ride better you may ask. Well the first major plus is that my car has heated seats. If you have chronic pain you probably know how much this would benefit us. I’m also considering bringing an ice pack to switch between ice and heat like most health care professionals (HCPs) suggest doing. I’ll be bringing Salonpas patches that numb some of my pain and also my prescription for muscle relaxers. This may seem like overkill to a lot of healthy people but to me it is the only way of making myself as comfortable as possible.
To make the car ride a little more pleasant I will be bringing two books (YOU by Caroline Kepnes & Appointment with Death by Agatha Christie) my phone, and my wireless headphones (don’t worry I’m not driving.
Does anyone have any other suggestions for making this a less painful drive? What do you like to do if you’re the passenger?
Chronically Kath 